Fireworks

References

• 4th of July
• The Simpsons
  • Trilogy of Error
• Red Dawn
• Ruskies
• M-80
• Bottle rocket (the firework)
• Bottle Rocket (the movie)
• Hoist with his own petard
• Superbad
• MacGuffin
• Everything Everywhere All at Once
• Stop Motion
• Claymation
• Super Troopers
• Magic the Gathering
  • Black Lotus
• Pokémon
• Yu-Gi-Oh!
  • Blue Eyes White Dragon
• Metallica
• Home Alone
• Vape
• Zippo
• Deck the Halls
• Dukes of Hazard
  • General Lee

Transcript

[Intro music begins]

[Shep]
So more intergenerational conflict in an Asian family. Are there any movies like that lately?

[Emily]
I can’t think of a single one.

[Thomas]
Are we the white people, I mean, the right people to be writing this story?

[Shep]
Why did that make me laugh so hard?

[Intro music]

[Thomas]
Hey there, story fans. Welcome to Almost Plausible, the podcast where we take ordinary ideas and turn them into movies. We’re less than a week away from Independence Day here in the US. So to celebrate, our theme for this episode is fireworks. I’m Thomas J. Brown and lighting up the night sky with me are my co-hosts, Emily-

[Emily]
Hey, guys.

[Thomas]
And F. Paul Shepard.

[Shep]
Happy to be here.

[Thomas]
I’m excited to see which pitches dazzle and delight us. So, Emily, go ahead and light the fuse.

[Emily]
All right, so I’ve only got a couple, and they’re very similar to each other, but I like them both. I have a group of kids finds an abandoned shed in the woods one summer afternoon. They break into it and find it’s full of fireworks. It was some kind of storage place for fireworks smugglers or something weird like that. They don’t know, they don’t care. They proceed to have the summer of their lives with this endless supply of fireworks. And it ends with some sort of epic fireworks display.

[Shep]
And catches the woods on fire and burns down the town.

[Emily]
And everyone dies, the end.

[Thomas]
Wasn’t this an episode of The Simpsons?

[Shep]
All things have been episodes of The Simpsons.

[Emily]
I was going to say, isn’t the podcast we do an episode of The Simpsons?

[Shep]
Yeah, Simpsons has been on the air for 40 years.

[Thomas]
I just remember an episode where Bart and Millhouse find a smuggler’s cave with fireworks in it.

[Emily]
Oh, my God. I think you’re right. I did not even remember that.

[Shep]
I mean, it’s entirely possible. After a while The Simpsons episodes were three stories per episode. They didn’t have, like, a overarching plot. So, yeah, they’re really getting their plot worth.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
All right, so the next one again, similar-ish. Cold War style movie where kids use a variety of fireworks to stop spies in their hometown and hold them off until the government officials can come and contain the situation.

[Thomas]
So like Red Dawn but good.

[Emily]
Yeah, like Red Dawn meets Russkies. Russkies was my favorite Cold War movie. And I don’t have a serial killer pitch this week.

[Shep]
Oh, no.

[Emily]
I know.

[Shep]
Emily’s been replaced.

[Thomas]
Okay, hold on. We can do this together. A serial killer who kills people by putting lit M-80s inside of them. Okay, we got one for you.

[Emily]
Oh, that’s a good one.

[Thomas]
There we go.

[Shep]
No. He straps them to a giant bottle rocket and shoots them into…

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
I did, in passing, have the idea that after they kill their victims, they stabbed their heart with a sparkler.

[Shep]
It’s very festive.

[Thomas]
They cremate them and pack them into the fireworks.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
All right, Shep, what do you have for us?

[Shep]
Three friends plan to pull off a simple robbery and go on the run. It’s called Bottle Rocket. Oh, wait.

[Thomas]
Oh, wait.

[Shep]
Okay, first pitch in a post-apocalyptic future, not like zombies or nuclear war, just like climate change and the gradual breakdown of society and the economy.

[Thomas]
Oh, so… where we’re headed.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
Got it.

[Shep]
Spoilers.

[Emily]
So this takes place next year.

[Shep]
Right. It’s set at the end of this year.

[Thomas]
It’s a near future film.

[Shep]
A father is trying to track down some fireworks for new years for, like, his family’s small celebration. But new fireworks haven’t been manufactured for years, so it’s quite difficult. That’s it. Pitch number two, a family of anthropomorphic fireworks where the youngest is coming of age. There’s a lot of familial and societal pressure to be part of the big show. The young fireworks grandfather was a big boomer back in the day, and many of the family wanted to keep up, and aspire to, that tradition “Everyone must work hard to be their best for the big show. It’s called firework not fire play around.” But the young firework just wants to be a musician instead.

[Thomas]
This generation doesn’t want to firework anymore.

[Shep]
That’s it for me.

[Thomas]
I’m really glad to hear this pitch because I had the same idea. I could just picture a little rocket style firework with a cute little cartoony face, but I was like, “But he’s going to die at the end.”

[Shep]
Oh, yeah.

[Thomas]
What’s my story? So I was like, “I’m not going to go down that path,” but I’m pleased that you have a story that I think works. I think it would be important to figure out how does he not die at the end?

[Shep]
Who says they don’t die at the end?

[Emily]
The grandfather was a big boomer.

[Shep]
Yeah, he went off and he boomed and he’s gone.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
I guess if he does eventually become a musician, he wouldn’t explode.

[Shep]
Oh, no. He’s just one of the whistler fireworks.

[Thomas]
He has to file his report.

[Shep]
What?

[Thomas]
When those whistling fireworks fly up and explode, the bang they make, it’s called the report. So you’ll see, with report written on things like bottle rockets.

[Shep]
I get it, I get it. It took me a second and I regret that I asked. I should have just kept my mouth shut and go, “Ha ha.”

[Thomas]
It’s a good thing I explained it. That way it made the joke better for everybody. Okay, I have three ideas. The first is a fireworks heist film. Fireworks are really fucking expensive, especially for a professional show. So some thieves decide to steal them and maybe during the pursuit, they end up using some of the fireworks as weapons.

[Shep]
And they used them all up and at the end they have none left but the friendship they made along the way.

[Thomas]
So my animated film, because I couldn’t come up with anthropomorphic fireworks, my animated film idea is about someone or a small family or something that makes fireworks. So the idea I had was basically they’re small family operation and they’re about to be put out of business by a giant automated company. The small family has made fireworks for the city every year. But this year, the city orders from the giant company because it’s cheaper. The bad guy CEO somehow causes his own factory to ignite, which provides a great show but ruins the company. Not quite sure what the small family does in the third act though. If it’s the CEO’s fault that his own business is literally hoisted by its own petard.

[Shep]
Ha, ha. Good use of petard.

[Thomas]
Thank you. It means explosion or small bomb. Keep that joke explaining thing going. The third idea I have is a movie, kind of like Superbad, but instead of trying to get booze for a party, they’re trying to get fireworks for a party. So same idea. Kind of like yours, actually, Shep, of going around trying to find fireworks and that being the MacGuffin they’re after. Yeah, those are my ideas.

[Shep]
So the animated one, I don’t know if I can get on board with it because economies of scale, it’s better for people if fireworks cost less and you can have more of them and they’re automated. Sorry that it puts the small family out of business, but overall, for society, it’s better.

[Thomas]
Yeah, it’s a true capitalism story. I don’t even know what the story would be in that one.

[Shep]
So picture it a different way. The family makes bespoke hand rolled fireworks and they have done so for generations. This is like an Asian family. They’ve been making fireworks since the invention of gunpowder. And the son, or the younger generation, wants to automate it. They want to build the big factory. So it’s not a separate external thing. It’s the younger generation looking toward the future and going, “This is the way forward.”

[Thomas]
Right. And one of the big pride elements for this family has been every year they create, like you said, a bespoke firework. There’s one. It does something really cool for the big finale. It always makes some cool shape. And everyone’s like, “Wow, that’s so amazing. How did they do that?” And the son is like, “It takes so much time. We never make a profit on that one. It doesn’t make sense anymore to do that. We could be making money if we just made them all the same and we’ll make it up in volume. We can make three times the number of fireworks for the price of that.”

[Shep]
So more intergenerational conflict in an Asian family. Are there any movies like that lately?

[Emily]
I can’t think of a single one.

[Thomas]
Are we the white people, I mean, the right people to be writing this story?

[Shep]
Why did that make me laugh so hard?

[Thomas]
You see, it’s funny because… Okay, what movie are we going to-? Which pitch do we like?

[Emily]
What do we like?

[Thomas]
I would be very interested to explore the anthropomorphic one just to see how do we make it end? But maybe let’s not go down a path that leads directly into brambles.

[Emily]
He doesn’t… I don’t know. He would die. I was going to say I was going to say “Caterpillar. He doesn’t die. He just transforms into a beautiful mass sparkly thing that then fades and….dies”

[Shep]
Yes. I mean, he doesn’t sparkle. He’s a whistler.

[Thomas]
There are cartoons for adults. This could just be an adult cartoon.

[Emily]
We discuss the meaninglessness of a life because you just die at the end.

[Thomas]
Yeah, it’s about the beauty of a creative act. Even if it kills you.

[Emily]
Is this podcast going to kill us?

[Thomas]
I hope not.

[Shep]
Spoilers. I know that I pitched it, but I would vote against doing the movie that ends with all the characters dying.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
I don’t think that’s commercially viable.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
I agree.

[Shep]
I think it would be an interesting art movie.

[Emily]
It would be a fun art movie. You could do with stop animation because I like that.

[Thomas]
Like, Claymation,

[Emily]
Yeah. Oh, yeah,

[Thomas]
Your pain in the ass, whoever has to do all of the explosions at the end.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah. Mhm.

[Shep]
Well, those are animated. Those are painted because they’re light. Well, let’s not do the anthropomorphic one where they all die at the end.

[Thomas]
And let’s not do the one that’s clearly a Simpsons episode.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
So the Superbad, but with fireworks, and the post-apocalyptic future, are functionally the same overall premise.

[Shep]
Right. The setting is different, but the premise is, “Go and find fireworks.”

[Thomas]
Right. I mean, I’m fine with that. You can build a good movie around that.

[Emily]
I think we’re going to hunt for fireworks. It’s just whether it’s a Superbad situation or a post-apocalyptic the dystopic future.

[Thomas]
Do they get the fireworks at the end of yours Shep?

[Shep]
That’s a very good question, because the whole point of that one is it’s post-apocalyptic and everything’s coming to an end and nothing exists anymore. And so it’s like, well, maybe this tradition has to end. In my mind, he’s looking for these fireworks for New Years, but it’s hot all the time because it’s showing that the climate has changed and air conditioning doesn’t work anymore, and it’s end times. So, again, I guess I was just on a depressive bent or something like what’s in my coffee today? So if we don’t want to do depressing, let’s do uplifting. We can’t do the family one because we’re white.

[Thomas]
I mean, we can, it doesn’t have to be an Asian family.

[Emily]
Yeah. They don’t have to be Asian. White people can make fireworks, too.

[Shep]
It would make sense that they’re Asian.

[Thomas]
It would.

[Emily]
We’ve had fireworks in America since the beginning of America. Did we always get them from China?

[Shep]
I mean, they were invented in China.

[Emily]
Well, I know they were invented in China, but they had to have like-

[Thomas]
But they were perfected here.

[Shep]
Is that racist to say that?

[Thomas]
That’s like, nationalist?

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
It’s very American to say that.

[Emily]
It is very American to say that.

[Shep]
All right. I guess I’m voting for Superbad, but with fireworks because there’s a lot of ways to make that funny.

[Emily]
Right. And nobody has to die. People can die, but no one has to die.

[Shep]
You’re right. They can die if it’s funny.

[Thomas]
I agree. I like this idea. There’s a TikTok trend that’s going around, and that’s what is the impetus for why they want fireworks. Everybody wants to do this stupid TikTok thing, so they’re like, “Yeah, we got to find some fireworks so we can do this.” What do you think?

[Shep]
Is TikTok still going to be the thing years from now? Whenever the-

[Thomas]
I mean, it wouldn’t actually be TikTok in the thing. It would be KnickKnock or-

[Emily]
Whatever is the popular thing at the time.

[Thomas]
Right. So there’s like a viral Internet video that-

[Shep]
So that explains why it’s hard to find whatever this specific firework is. Because everybody’s doing it.

[Thomas]
It’s sold out everywhere.

[Shep]
Yeah, that’s good.

[Thomas]
And it allows them to buy other fireworks. “Well, we went to this one fireworks stand. They’re sold out of the one we need, but let’s get some bottle rockets or whatever” and be shooting them off in a parking lot at some point. Is there a party that they’re going to go to and they think this is going to be super popular? “We’ll be the heroes of the party if we bring these fireworks.”

[Emily]
They live in a county that can’t have fireworks.

[Shep]
How old are these kids? Old enough to drive to another county?

[Emily and Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
So 16 to 22.

[Thomas]
They’ve got an older brother who’s in college or college age.

[Emily]
Yeah, because he’s got to buy them.

[Shep]
What is the economic situation of these kids? I’m just trying to build a mental-

[Emily]
Do we want a realistic economic picture of children searching for fireworks or do we want a movie? Because then they’re upper middle class.

[Thomas]
But one of the issues that we can create for them is that they’ve accepted money from other students. So they’ve got to get these fireworks. And maybe part of it is one of them is the bully, comes up to them and they think, “Oh, God, here we go.” And he goes, “Hey, I hear you’re buying these fireworks.”

[Emily]
Right. Okay.

[Thomas]
And they’re like, “Yeah…”

[Shep]
Or “I hear you’re collecting money for these fireworks.” And they think he’s going to rob them.

[Thomas]
And then he’s like, “No, how much?” “What?” “How much do you need from me to buy some for me?” “Uh $20?” Or whatever. So he gives it to them, and he’s like, “Don’t fuck this up” or “I’m counting on you.” Something positive like that. And they think, “Holy shit, this could turn everything around. We could stop getting bullied by this guy. We’ll be the heroes of this party” that they wouldn’t have gotten an invite to otherwise, maybe that’s another thing that happens. Maybe the party is created because of the promise of these fireworks.

[Emily]
So they’re just dicking around one day talking about how, “Oh, my brother’s back from college, he’s going to take us over and get-“

[Thomas]
So they’re watching the video and he’s like, “Dude, we could totally do this.” He’s like, “What are you talking about? We can’t get fireworks.” He’s like, “No but, my brother’s back in town. He can take us over to the other county. We can absolutely get this.” Like, “Yeah, that’d be cool.” It just starts like it’s just like the two or three of them, like they’re small group of friends. And then word kind of starts getting out and people are like, “Hey, can you buy some for me?” “Can you buy some for me?”

[Emily]
Because one of them is trying to impress a girl, so he tells her-

[Shep]
Or a boy.

[Emily]
Or a boy. A love interest-

[Thomas]
Does that sound like a good beginning? I think that sets the story up well and gives them clear stakes.

[Shep]
I don’t know if I want the older brother to be back from college or just be bumming around the house.

[Thomas and Emily]
Just a burnout.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Yeah, just a burnout.

[Emily]
Okay, that works.

[Thomas]
So everything starts off, it’s going smoothly. The initial speed bumps are things like, they’re false. “Oh, God, the bully’s going to steal all the money.” Oh, no, that turned out well. “We can’t buy them here. We have to drive-” It’s like an hour round trip or maybe an hour to get there or something like that. They’re easily overcome and then it all goes wrong. So obviously they have to have a run in with the police at some point.

[Emily]
Yeah. Does the car break down and then they have the run in with the police? Or do they have the run in the police after they get the fireworks?

[Thomas]
It’s going to be after they get the fireworks because… it could be both.

[Emily]
Car full of kids.

[Thomas]
Yeah. It’s a car full of kids with Washington plates heading into Idaho. They get pulled over for something, whatever.

[Shep]
Being Washingtonian in Idaho.

[Thomas]
Right. So now the police know who they are. These particular cops have seen their faces. They know who they are. The kids have given some shifty excuse about why they’re in Idaho. But again, nothing happens. Nothing bad happens. Whew, that was a close one. We managed to get out of that situation. So then later when those same cops pulled them over because the cops aren’t stupid. They know exactly what they’re doing.

[Emily]
Yeah. It’s that time of year, they’ve seen the trend.

[Thomas]
Right. Because everyone from Washington is coming over into Idaho to buy their fireworks. When these kids are coming back, they know, “Hey, they’ve got fireworks. We can bust them for that.”

[Emily]
Are these Superbad cops or Super Trooper style?

[Thomas]
How closely do we want… Oh, okay. They go to a fireworks stand in Idaho and buy the fireworks. They successfully get the fireworks or as many as they can get. The cops pull them over and take the fireworks so that they can make their own TikTok video of them. They just commandeer them and what are you going to do? They’re the cops.

[Shep]
You that’s good. Because now they’re still in the same situation where they need to get the fireworks and they don’t have the money anymore. And maybe that place where they bought them is now sold out. They need to go somewhere else to get away from the cops.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So boy, they run into problems very quickly.

[Emily]
How do they figure out the money part?

[Thomas]
That’s definitely a big one. And I think probably the first thing they would have to figure out because otherwise there’s no point.

[Shep]
They go to the pawn shop and pawn something. Since they’re already in Idaho, they can’t afford the time to go back to Washington to get more money, to borrow money or whatever.

[Emily]
Do they convince the brother to get a title loan on his car?

[Shep]
Oh, no.

[Thomas]
I don’t think his car would probably worth anything anyway.

[Emily]
I think they should attempt to, though.

[Thomas]
Yeah, they go to the place that he’s “Oh, a title loan” and is like, “Okay.” And they lean over and look at the vehicle and just start laughing.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
“No, not for that.”

[Emily]
No.

[Thomas]
Does one of the kids have like an emergency ATM card or something like that that they’re going to catch hell later with their parents, but it can get the money now.

[Shep]
Their super strict parents that gave them this ATM card for actual emergencies.

[Thomas]
Right. And by the way, they’re not supposed to go out of state with, there’s a whole bunch of rules they are breaking and also this. But is that the last one? Is that how they finally get the money? There’s always that to fall back on.

[Emily]
How nerdy are these kids? Like, are they… one of them has some fancy ass Magic: The Gathering card or Pokémon card that they can go and try and sell?

[Shep]
Why would they have that with them?

[Emily]
I don’t know.

[Thomas]
You could have something like that where maybe he’s getting ready for some upcoming thing. And so he’s trying to put his deck together. And he’s like, “Well, I’ve got 2 hours to kill. I can bring my cards with me and go through them.”

[Emily]
And one of them is like, “Hey, aren’t these worth something?”

[Thomas]
“He’s like, dude, you have a black Lotus. We’re fucking selling it.” It’s not even the most valuable one.

[Shep]
“Not my Blue-Eyes White Dragon card.”

[Thomas]
So it could be something like that.

[Shep]
So if the brother is a burnout, he could be like living in his car. So he could have all kinds of stuff in his car. Like a guitar he won in a contest when he was a teenager that’s signed by some band. And it’s worth something. But it’s not the kids’. It’s the older brothers.

[Thomas]
How do they convince him to hock it?

[Shep]
Or do they steal it because they’re so desperate?

[Emily]
Where’s the brother when they steal it, isn’t he with them?

[Thomas]
They could be at a convenience store in a strip mall and they see the pawn shop. And we’ve established earlier in the film, “I’ll clear out space in my back seat” and he pulls the guitar out. And they’re like, “What the hell?” Or maybe he hands it to them. “Oh, put this in the trunk.” And he looks at it and sees all the signatures. He’s like, “What is this?” “I don’t know. I won it a while back. It’s all of the signatures from Metallica” or whatever band. And they’re like, “That’s awesome. Why is it just like in your car?” And he’s like, “I don’t know.” Whatever. So they know where it is. They know that it has value. He’s in the convenience store buying snacks. Boy, there’s a pawn shop right there.

[Shep]
And they’re going to come back and get it later.

[Emily]
Right, right.

[Shep]
This is just temporary.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
They’re justifying it to themselves.

[Thomas]
So with the pawn shop owner, when a couple of 15 year olds walk in. Is he going to do business with them, or is he not give a shit? He totally knows this isn’t their guitar. “This is ridiculous. But I don’t care, because I’m going to rip them off and give them nowhere near what this thing is worth.”

[Shep]
Best I can do is $20.

[Thomas]
Right?

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
And he knows he can probably give it to some other pawn shop owner somewhere else, sell it to somebody else, through some back channels, to get rid of it. We have a lot of shady pawn shop owners in our-

[Emily]
I feel like we have strong opinions about pawn shop owners.

[Thomas]
I don’t think I’ve ever set foot in a pawn shop. I have no idea. They’re probably fine. I don’t know.

[Emily]
I’ve only been in one and it was to purchase an amp.

[Shep]
Come to think of it, I’ve been in lots of pawn shops. I haven’t thought about this before, but when I was in college, when I was an undergrad, I would just go to pawn shops because they had cheap stuff.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
I bought a computer game there once for $10. Back when you’d still buy physical discs for things, that shows how old I am.

[Thomas]
That reminds me, I have been to a pawn shop one time and I was looking for cartridges for my Super Nintendo. Or no, it was for the N64. That’s what it was.

[Shep]
Yeah, pawn shops were great. So I kept going to all these pawn shops and I went to one and it was all guns. I was like, “What kind of store is this?” And apparently they just sometimes have pawn shops that are just for guns.

[Thomas]
It should have something else different sign up. There something like puns. See, it’s funny because-

[Shep]
It’s funny because it’s a combination of pawn and gun and it is a pun itself. It works on multiple levels.

[Thomas]
The two, at least.

[Shep]
Yeah. Two is multiple!

[Thomas]
Anyway, I could see a pawn shop owner thinking, “I’m going to take advantage of these idiots.” He recognizes that it has way higher value and they get more money than they needed, than they had in the first place. So they view that as a win.

[Shep]
Do they get the guitar back at some point, or-

[Thomas]
Is that a whole other side thing? Later we see somebody come in, like the guitar gets sold immediately.

[Shep]
Do they sell stuff immediately? I’ve never sold something at a pawn shop.

[Thomas]
I think it depends on whether you pawn it or sell it. So they would be pawning it then, because their plan is to come back for it.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
So they’d have 30 days or however long it is.

[Shep]
But I think you’re right. I think it should show up somewhere else immediately. Like, “Let’s move this.”

[Emily]
“Before they figure out that I screwed them.”

[Thomas]
Does he give them a false receipt? He doesn’t do the paperwork properly.

[Shep]
Right, but they didn’t check the receipt.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Because they’re teenage boys. They don’t care.

[Thomas]
Yeah, he wrote something else on there. They’re looking shifty. Why would they check the receipt? He knows they’re going to leave and as soon as they’re out the door, I’ve never seen that before. He writes it for some other piece of shit that he has in the store.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah, another guitar.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
A shitty one.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s good. And so you see them walking away back toward the car with their money. They’re all excited. And you’re sort of pushing up on the pawn shop window, and you see the guitar go into the window. Something else gets pulled out, and the guitar gets put right in the window with a sign that’s like four times what he paid for it or something.

[Shep]
Yeah, that’s great. It’s all behind them.

[Thomas]
Yeah. They don’t even notice that that’s the case. Yeah, that’s funny.

[Shep]
There’s going to be a party. Maybe a band shows up. Maybe someone wants to play guitar at the party. It can get back in there.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
It doesn’t have to be super plausible. It’s almost plausible. That’s good enough.

[Thomas]
So what happens? When does the brother find out? Or is that like a Home Alone thing where at the end the brother finds out and he’s mad and we don’t have to deal with the fallout at all?

[Emily]
Well I was thinking the brother could find out and then he abandons them. Like they’ve got the second load, but now they’re stuck on the side of the road because he’s done with them and their bullshit and they sold his guitar. He’s got to go to work, so it’s fuck them.

[Shep]
Yeah, there’s another roadblock.

[Thomas]
Okay. So maybe they get to the next firework stand, and then the brother, the older brother says, “I don’t even know why we’re here. You guys don’t have money?” “No, we got some money.” And it’s like, “Where the hell did that come from?” Like, “Okay, don’t be angry. We pawned your guitar, but we pawned it and we’ll get the money back. I’ve got money at home that I can get. I have enough money at home. We’ll have 30 days to come back for it. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.” And the brother is like, “No, you’re not spending that money. We’re going back now. That wasn’t yours to sell.” So they get back, and it’s already been sold. It’s not in the window anymore. And the guy is like he brings the other guitar over and he shows none of the tags match, it’s for this. Like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

[Emily]
I like that.

[Thomas]
So then does the brother abandon them there at the pawn shop, or is there some other… he’s already like, fuming. He’s at the edge. And then there’s one more thing that pushes him over the edge.

[Emily]
What would be another thing? I feel like he’s already somewhat annoyed because they woke him up to make him drive all the way out there.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Emily]
They refused to give him gas money.

[Thomas]
He’s going to lose his parking spot,

[Emily]
Yeah. He’s got to get back so he can go to work.

[Thomas]
Right?

[Emily]
And they’re taking for fucking ever because they got pulled over.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Of this could be dumb. But here it is.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Shep]
What if one of the kids smokes and he smoked in the car and was keeping it out the window or whatever, but when he went to stub it out because there’s trash everywhere. It starts a fire while they’re in the pawn shop.

[Emily]
They come out to his car burning.

[Shep]
No, because it’s still got to be working enough for him to drive away.

[Emily]
For him to drive off.

[Thomas]
They come out and it’s full of smoke.

[Shep]
It’s full of smoke.

[Thomas]
And there’s a small fire. It’s like smoldering on the seat. It’s like because he has that shitty fabricky stuff, so it’s all, like, melted and shitty, and so it stinks of burnt plastic and smoke. And he’s like, pissed off. “Fuck you guys. Not giving you a ride. You’re on your own.” Would they smoke or would they just vape?

[Shep]
Oh, yeah, I forgot what year it is.

[Thomas]
Okay. Is there a different way that they can start the fire, or is there some other thing that’s-

[Shep]
They could just be playing with a lighter.

[Thomas]
He got it from the convenience store when they were there the first time.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
What did he get it for?

[Emily]
Because it looked cool.

[Thomas]
Maybe it’s got boobs on it. It’s one of those bikini lighters. You click the button and her top pops up or something like that. Some stupid novelty lighter.

[Shep]
So that’s why he keeps flicking- go ahead.

[Thomas]
And it doesn’t work. It never flames. He’s like, “Well, that’s okay. It’s not why I bought it.” No, maybe he’s upset that it doesn’t work. He keeps flicking it and he’s goofing off with it. So they finally walk away and it does light.

[Shep]
So he’s upset when he sees the fire. He’s like, “Oh, no, my lighter.”

[Thomas]
Is that reasonable? Does that work?

[Emily]
That works for me.

[Thomas]
I mean, I don’t love the lighter lighting itself.

[Emily]
Could he try it one last time? They’re like, “Come on.” And then he does it and it does light. We see it light, but he doesn’t.

[Thomas]
It’s going to be like a Zippo where there’s a top that closes. And so, yeah, he’s goofing around with it and they’re like, “Come on, leave that here. Let’s go.” And so he just tosses it into the car, thinking that the top has closed, but it pops open and then rubs against the seat. It’s very convenient. If that’s the one sin this movie has, I’m okay with it.

[Shep]
“The one.” Such optimism.

[Emily]
Then just make him a smoker and have one of them make a comment about “Why don’t you just vape?” And he’s like, “I’m old school.”

[Thomas]
“Because I can’t buy cigarettes and I steal these from my grandma” or whatever. That’s why he doesn’t vape. That works.

[Emily]
Yeah. Okay. So he’s smoking, sets the car on fire.

[Thomas]
Is there an accelerant of some sort-

[Emily]
Axe Body Spray.

[Thomas]
That he keeps in the car? And it’s the combination of those two things coming together, the smoldering cigarette butt and the accelerant. Because a cigarette butt on its own, it can start fires. I guess if it’s on the seat, it could just smolder under the seat.

[Emily]
Well, I was going to say, if it’s that cheap-ass upholstery, it might.

[Thomas]
So the brother leaves them there. They’re at the strip mall. So we know there’s, like a gas station and a pawn shop. Is there anything else that we need to have, or is there some plot, convenient thing?

[Shep]
Strip club.

[Thomas]
Yeah, we got to get strippers into this. Oh, God, they’ve got to go into the strip club. That would be perfect. This movie has that scene written all over it.

[Emily]
Right. Do they go into the strip club because they’re abandoned and bored and are like, “Might as well.” Or they like-

[Shep]
No, they’re going in to use the phone.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah. “You guys are clearly too young.” “No, that’s not why we’re here.”

[Emily]
“We just need the phone.”

[Thomas]
“Our ride left without us. We need to get back to Washington. We’re stuck here. None of us have cell phones” for some reason. Why do none of them have cell phones? Because they absolutely all would.

[Shep]
So you need some scene earlier where they get their phones confiscated for some reason, like by the principal or-

[Thomas]
Oh, they were all just in the car? No, they wouldn’t leave their phones behind in the car. That doesn’t make sense. Because why would you not have it in your pocket?

[Shep]
Yeah. This is why it’s hard to set movies in the present day because everyone has cell phones, and cell phones solve a lot of problems.

[Emily]
They do.

[Thomas]
Is there another reason they would go into the strip club? I mean, maybe one of the friends is just like, “Guys, we’ve got to try. We’re here.” And then they do get let in because strip club bouncer doesn’t give a shit. He overcharges them on the entry fee. Or he accepts a bribe to let them in.

[Emily]
So they’re down that money again to get more.

[Thomas]
They’re down some of the money.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Well, if they’re short on money, why are they going into the strip club?

[Thomas]
To see boobs? They’re like 15.

[Shep]
Look, they have the Internet on their phone.

[Thomas]
Goddamn mobile phones. But these are real boobs.

[Emily]
One of them’s sister works at the strip club and they’re going to go see if they can get a ride from her.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah. Yes.

[Emily]
Or aunt. Make it more awkward. It should be an aunt.

[Shep]
I think an aunt is funnier because she’s older.

[Emily]
Yeah. A little past her prime.

[Shep]
She’s past her prime. So the family member I mean, do the kids want to see her? Do they go in while she’s on stage, coincidentally?

[Thomas]
Maybe they don’t even know what she does there. Maybe she doesn’t actually dance. She could do some other job there.

[Emily]
She could be the bookkeeper or barback or something.

[Thomas]
Right. But they don’t know, that kid doesn’t know that. All he knows is “My aunt works at a strip club.” So the three of them are in there. The one guy’s covering his eyes like, “I don’t want to look. I don’t want to look.” And the other two are just wide eyed like, “Boobs!” Or is it funnier if she’s a stripper?

[Shep]
I think it’s funnier if she’s a stripper.

[Emily]
I do too.

[Shep]
If she’s a stripper, that’s past her prime. So you do the whole scene as if it’s this super sexy strip routine. But with an older woman, I think that’s funny.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So is she having a conversation? I hate when movies do that. That feels I mean, I guess I haven’t been in enough strip clubs to know, but it feels like-

[Emily]
They wouldn’t have a conversation while they’re in the middle of stripping?

[Thomas]
They’re not going to stand there.

[Emily]
No, I think she finishes her dance and comes down, like she notices them. But she’s got to finish her dance. So she finishes her dance and then comes down and talks to him like, “What are you doing here?”

[Shep]
No, she’s totally blasé about it because she’s been a stripper for 40 years or however-

[Emily]
And everybody already knows because he knows.

[Thomas]
Oh, man. She- through the whole scene, she’s topless.

[Shep]
She’s topless the whole time. The only one that’s bothered about it is her nephew who’s got his eyes covered.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So they walk in and they ask, “Where’s Sheila?” Because they don’t know what she looks like. And the one guy won’t look. So she comes off stage and they say, “Oh, there’s some people asking for you.” And so she thinks, “Oh, here we go. I’m going to sell a lap dance.”

[Shep]
I think it would be funny if they needed money again. And so she just pulls out some of the money that she just made.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So the brother takes the money because he’s like, “This isn’t your money, it’s my guitar.” And he goes back in there. They don’t have the guitar, but he keeps all that money. That’s good. They need to be broke again. So now they get this fat stack of ones.

[Emily]
Sweaty, sticky ones.

[Thomas]
That the one guy refuses to touch. So they have money again. I feel like we need them to get fireworks at this point.

[Emily]
She can’t give them a ride, but like the DJ or something can.

[Shep]
Oh, they get a ride from another patron of the strip club.

[Emily]
Oh, that she knows. He’s a good guy.

[Shep]
Yes, a regular.

[Emily]
He’s here- Yeah.

[Thomas]
“Can you do me a favor? When you come back, I will give you a lap dance for free.” He’s like, “Yes. Okay, great.” This seems like as good a time as any to take a break, so let’s do that real quick. And when we come back, we’ll figure out the rest of our story for fireworks.

[Break]

[Thomas]
All right, we’re back.

[Shep]
Did we figure out why they don’t have their cell phones?

[Emily]
Who are they going to call?

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
They do have them. They can’t call their parents.

[Thomas]
They’d get in huge trouble.

[Emily]
Because they’re in Idaho to get fireworks-

[Thomas]
Illegal fireworks.

[Emily]
For a stupid thing their parents don’t want them doing. They can’t call their friends because they’ve lost their money.

[Shep]
I mean, I’d probably call my friends and just be honest, which is why I would not appear in one of these movies, I guess.

[Thomas]
But their friends are 15. What are they going to do?

[Emily]
Well, they’re not even really their friends. All of their friends are in the room with them.

[Thomas]
Right. Yeah.

[Emily]
These are just people that go to school with them. They’re like, “Oh, you’re going to go do this? Here and have some of my money.” And yeah.

[Thomas]
Plus that’s an admission of defeat. And there’s the one kid who’s like, “No, we can do this.”

[Shep]
Oh, because these are all nerds. They don’t have anyone else’s number. Why would they even have their cell phone number?

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s true.

[Shep]
They try to come up with someone. “Oh, Jenny’s got an older brother. He’s got his own truck.”

[Emily]
“Oh, yeah, that’s great. What’s Jenny’s number?” “I don’t have it. I thought-” “Well, I don’t have it. Why would I have it? She fucking hates me.” “She’s always cheating off of you in calculus…”

[Thomas]
Yeah. “Didn’t you use to tutor her?” Like, “Yeah, but I don’t have her number. I have her mom’s phone number.”

[Shep]
That would be a great line if you could bring that back later. So tuck that one away. Jenny’s mom’s phone number.

[Thomas]
He ends up texting her mom or something. Yeah, later you find out that gave him the idea to do that. And he’s been texting her the whole rest of the movie. “Actually, she’s pretty cool.” All right, so they get the money, they have a ride, they get to a fireworks stand. Is there like one of those brief montages where they pull up to like four stands? It’s like none of them have it? Nope. Sold out. Sold out. One of them is even like, closing their thing, they’re just completely sold out. He points at the sign for the firework they want, and the guy’s like, shakes his head. So they go to a bunch of different ones. Finally they get to one and there’s a small, there’s like one package of them left.

[Shep]
It’s got to be a super sketchy place.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
The patron knows. “Well, I know one more spot we can try.”

[Thomas]
Right. So maybe they go to one of those roadside stands and they’re asking after it. And the guy’s like, “No, we don’t have any.” And some other dude is like, “Hey, you’re looking for those?” “Yeah.” He’s like, “Come here.” They go around back of the grocery store that they’re in front of or something, and there’s a white cube van or something. And he opens it up and a whole bunch like a scene in a movie where they’re buying guns, except it’s all fireworks. I just saw this in a movie recently, like, literally this scene of opening the trunk and there’s a bunch of fireworks in it. I can’t remember what movie it is, so I don’t know how recent it is, but I don’t like this idea anymore. How do they get them? Do they just happen to find one where there’s one package left? It’s not the amount they were supposed to bring to the party, but it’s better than nothing. They won’t get to do the video. There’s not enough for them to do their own video. But that’s okay because Jenny and the bully and all the other people who were promised, there’s just enough for all of them to have one.

[Shep]
No. I’m bad at brainstorming and improv, so no. Here’s what really happens.

[Thomas]
As long as it’s in service of a better story, I don’t mind at all.

[Emily]
Yeah. I like your “No”s most of the time.

[Thomas]
Because you’re usually right. Here’s the thing: You don’t say no out of, like… it’s not like an arrogance thing.

[Emily]
Yeah. You’re not like “No, you dumbass. That’s not-“

[Thomas]
As long as you have a good reason and it’s not just arbitrary.

[Shep]
Well, you’ve really set the bar really high. Listen to my reason first.

[Thomas]
So this better be fantastic.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Thomas]
All right.

[Shep]
So they somehow find a sketchy guy that’s selling the fireworks and realize he is the brother of one of the cops that shook them down earlier and is reselling the fireworks the cops are shaking people down for, and recognized, like, the box that they had.

[Thomas]
Oh, my God.

[Shep]
They put a mark on, or wrote their name on it or something. They recognize that it’s theirs, that it already was theirs, and so now they have to (they don’t have to, but they choose to) blackmail this guy who is reselling, basically police evidence. They have their cell phones. They can’t call anyone, but they can take video. So they pull out their phones and are like, videoing this guy. And it’s an election year, and the sheriff is running for re-election. And it’s like, “Well, you wouldn’t want this to come out now.”

[Emily]
I could buy that.

[Shep]
So they don’t end up with just a few fireworks. They end up with a fucking truckload of fireworks, way more- because you’re going for the big finale where they’re the actual heroes.

[Emily and Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
That’s why I said no earlier.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s good. I like that. Do they just steal the fireworks from the guy? I guess not, because he would call- if his brother is a cop or if he’s friends with the cop, then he would just call the cops.

[Shep]
Right. They got to blackmail him.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Unless they’re right at the state line, in which case they just drive over the border and that guy’s out of his jurisdiction. And what is he going to say? “Hey, those kids stole my fireworks I stole from them.”

[Shep]
Or the cops are chasing him, but they crossed the county line. The Dukes of Hazard theme plays and it’s like-

[Thomas]
And they jumped the General Lee over the river.

[Shep]
You can go full parody there. Have an intermission mid-air. Okay, so they blackmail the guy or-

[Thomas]
The blackmail the guy, sure, whatever. That’s a details thing. Somehow they have something. They blackmail the other guy. They get all the fireworks.

[Emily]
They return victorious.

[Thomas]
Are they being chased by the cops? Does he call his brother and they make it over the state line just in time? Or that would certainly add to the tension of the scene.

[Shep]
It turns out they have a third brother, and he runs a pawn shop.

[Thomas]
They’re headed back to the party at this point, huh? I mean, they better be, because we only have a few minutes left.

[Emily]
We are headed back to the party at this point.

[Shep]
They have a truckload of fireworks. Are they still with the-

[Emily]
Well, yeah. They still got to be with the sketchy strip club patron because how else are they getting back?

[Thomas]
This is beyond what he signed up for.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Plus, he’s got a lap dance waiting for him. This is their big final roadblock. They have everything they need, and they have to get out of Idaho fast because it’s just only a matter of time before well, maybe not. Maybe their blackmail evidence is good enough to keep the cops off of them.

[Shep]
It was only good enough to get the fireworks from the guy.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Shep]
The guy immediately calls his brother, and the cop brother is like, “No, that fucking doesn’t matter. It’s a kid. We’ll just take his cell phone as evidence, and then he’ll have nothing.” You can really ramp it up. Okay, so the patron goes back to the strip club because he’s done.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
He did his one job.

[Thomas]
“All I agreed to do was drive you to get the fireworks. You’ve got them.”

[Shep]
“You’ve got them.”

[Thomas]
“I’m out of here.”

[Shep]
Each one of them, however many kids there are, it’s got to be three-

[Thomas]
Three, yeah.

[Shep]
Is holding a box full of these fireworks. So they have their hands full with them.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
They get back to the strip club. Meanwhile, the guy calls his brother, who then calls his other brother that does the pawn shop. They’re all converging on the strip club, which is like their last known location.

[Thomas]
Or maybe they’re just driving around looking for them. They’re trying to find them.

[Shep]
Or no, because the strip club has got to be close enough to the pawn shop because the kids walk there. So the pawn shop guy spotted them going back there because why not? He happened to look, it doesn’t matter.

[Thomas]
They face each other on the street, and there’s nothing else going on.

[Shep]
Yeah, so this is the big finale. The kids are now… oh, maybe the guy comes out of the pawn shop and they see him pointing at them or whatever, and they’re like, “We got to get out of here immediately.” Maybe they noticed the family resemblance or that they all have the same last- it doesn’t matter. Or they all famously are related. It doesn’t matter. So they get rides from other strippers. This is the big finale. They show up at the party with not just three boxes of fireworks, but a car full of strippers.

[Thomas]
Their shift is over or something like that. So they show up back at the strip club where they don’t want to be because they’re trying to get to the party. This is backtracking for them. They’ve moved away from the direction they want to go. They run into the aunt who’s like, “What are you guys doing here? I thought you were going to that party.” And then the other strippers are like, “Oh, you’re going to a party?”

[Shep]
Oh, yeah.

[Thomas]
“That sounds great. Let’s go.” And they’re like, “All right, great.” Meanwhile, the cops are coming.

[Shep]
That’s why the strippers take off, because the cops harass them all the time.

[Thomas]
Yeah. They’re like, “Yeah, fuck the cops. Let’s go. We’ll totally give you a ride.” So they get out of there. They show up at the party. Does one of the strippers bring beer?

[Shep]
Sure, why not? Just to go over the top at the end.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
This is the big finale. They show up. They got the three boxes of the fireworks. The strippers jump out. And like, “We brought beer!” And it’s like, where did that come from? Doesn’t matter. Don’t think about it.

[Thomas]
So the bully texted an address earlier. They’re like, “When you get the fireworks, come to this address” because he knows about the party that they don’t know exists yet. The party has happened completely independent of them. So they show up at the address. There’s like a party in full swing. And they’re like, “What?” And so people are like, “Hey, they’re here. They’re here.” And they come in and they’re the fucking heroes. Everyone’s cheering for them. They’re like, “Yeah, they got the fireworks and strippers and beer.” They’re like, “Yeah, you guys are the fucking best. We should hang out.” And then I think at some point the one guy should kiss Jenny. And she’s like, “What the fuck are you doing?” He’s like, “I thought we were having a moment.”

[Emily]
She’s like, “No, I like girls.”

[Shep]
Wait, why did the guy kiss Jenny? I thought he was texting Jenny’s mom.

[Thomas]
Well, one of the guys maybe it’s not the guy who’s texting her mom. No, it is, the mom is the backup plan.

[Shep]
What?

[Thomas]
I don’t know. Maybe the party’s at Jenny’s house. No, the mom wouldn’t be there, though. And he already know what the mom looks like if he was tutoring her. It doesn’t matter. Anyway. Is it a heartwarming thing, though, where he’s like, “Yeah, I know. Nobody likes me.” She’s like, “No, I don’t like you because I’m a lesbian.”

[Emily]
Yeah. I think it’s a heartwarming thing. It’s like “It’s not you personally, it’s the fact that you’re a man.”

[Thomas]
So what is the final little moment? Do they do a big group TikTok where they all do the thing with the fireworks?

[Shep]
Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Thomas]
And then it goes viral? That’s like, the credits is their video going viral? And then the three of them have a popular YouTube channel or whatever where they make other viral videos? That because of this one, people are following them?

[Shep]
So it’s a fantasy.

[Thomas]
I mean, it basically always was.

[Emily]
Aren’t all teen movies fantasies?

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Wasn’t Superbad a fantasy?

[Thomas]
Yeah. Did we get it? Is that it? Do we have our movie?

[Emily]
I’m satisfied with the overall arc.

[Shep]
Yeah, I like the over-the-top ending where it just goes up to twelve. It doesn’t stop at eleven.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Well, we’d love to hear your thoughts on today’s show. Did it go like a bomb or was it a dud? Let us know by leaving a comment on our website, reaching out on social media, or sending us an email. Links to those can be found at AlmostPlausible.com However you’re celebrating this weekend, and even if you’re not, Emily Shep and I hope you have a safe and happy 4th of July. We’ll see you next week for another episode of Almost Plausible.

[Outro music]

[Thomas]
Just what we need, whitesplaining racism. We’re gonna get lots of subscribers to this podcast, they’ll just be all the wrong ones.