Pumpkin

References

• Monty Python – Spam
• It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
• Psych

Transcript

[Shep]
They couldn’t be sure that it was them.

[Emily]
But it was clearly him.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Shep]
No, the colors are removable.

[Thomas]
I think I have it going,

[Shep]
All right.

[Emily]
Oh, are you sure we’re ready?

[Thomas]
Actually. Wait, Shep, can you just give me something? What do you have for breakfast? Something like that. That’s a pretty normal one.

[Shep]
Eggs.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Thomas]
Yeah, no. You’re good.

[Emily]
All right.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Thomas]
Levels are set.

[Emily]
Eggs, huh?

[Shep]
Yep.

[Emily]
No, pumpkin scones. Pumpkin muffins.

[Shep]
No, I didn’t do any pumpkin stuff.

[Thomas]
No pumpkin spiced eggs?

[Shep]
No.

[Emily]
Oh, those are the best. You didn’t prepare? We’re in a pumpkin patch. You should be all pumpkin all day. It’s pumpkin day!

[Shep]
It’s pumpkin night.

[Emily]
Well, now it is.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
But all day it was pumpkin day.

[Thomas]
Speaking of night, Emily, can we get the fire going? Because I’m getting cold, and I had a cold recently, and I don’t want to get another cold.

[Emily]
Well, we’re not going to do a fire this year.

[Thomas]
But I brought stuff for s’mores.

[Emily]
I have lots of snacks, but after Shep’s little freak out last year and all this hay, I decided that we should play it safe and no fires.

[Thomas]
Okay, well, is this hay? This looks like straw.

[Emily]
Hay/straw…

[Thomas]
I know, I’m being pedantic.

[Emily]
You are I don’t know, what’s the difference? I’m a city girl. I have no idea what’s what?

[Shep]
Straw is thick like this that we’re sitting on.

[Thomas]
Yeah, right.

[Emily]
Oh.

[Shep]
Hay is much thinner.

[Emily]
You’d mentioned snacks. So I have Little Debbie pumpkin cookies. I have Pumpkin spice Oreos, pumpkin spice Twinkies, pumpkin Muffins, and I made some of that really good fall chex mix that everybody loves.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Emily]
And-

[Thomas]
I do like that.

[Emily]
This year, I put in pumpkin spice pecans instead of marshmallows.

[Thomas]
It was good, and then you ruined it. I see.

[Shep]
Do you have anything that doesn’t have so much pumpkin in it?

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Um, I have some apples.

[Thomas]
I’ll have your pumpkin. I love it. I’m having pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin- Oh, are we not doing-

[Emily]
I also brought pumpkin spice lattes.

[Thomas]
Big reaction from the crowd there?

[Emily]
Yeah, I was worried about that. So I will just drink all of those, which is awful. I’m going to sacrifice myself for you, too. Oh, here, have a blanket. I brought those, too. So. What do you guys think of the patch? Isn’t it great? This is the best pumpkin patch. This is the most sincere pumpkin patch I could find.

[Shep]
It certainly has a lot of pumpkins in it. And if you want pumpkins, this is the place to be.

[Thomas]
I may have crushed a few. Is that… I mean, it’s so fucking dark out here.

[Emily]
Really?

[Thomas]
Yeah, you said we couldn’t turn the lights until we got out here, which can we do that at some point?

[Emily]
Well, yes. Fine. Okay, Shep, there’s a lantern over by you. Why don’t you turn that on?

[Shep]
All right.

[Emily]
No, the lower setting. That’s too bright.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Emily]
We’re setting a mood.

[Shep]
I like to set the mood where I can see, but I guess we’re not doing that mood.

[Emily]
There are stars. The mood’s above. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. You guys want to hear some jokes?

[Shep]
Oh, golly.

[Thomas]
Jokes? We’re doing jokes? Yes. Okay.

[Emily]
Why do pumpkins sit on porches?

[Thomas]
Oh, God. They’re pumpkin jokes, too.

[Emily]
Of course.

[Thomas]
Gourd, squash, orange, jacket liner. I don’t know. Why do they sit on porches?

[Emily]
They don’t have hands. They can’t knock on the door.

[Thomas]
Oh, God.

[Shep]
(Pained groans)

[Emily]
All right, guys, are you ready for some stories?

[Thomas]
What the fuck was that? I think there’s something crawling on my leg.

[Emily]
There’s nothing. Maybe a spider.

[Thomas]
Oh, maybe a spider.

[Emily]
But not like not poisonous ones. Not in the middle of the field.

[Thomas]
It won’t be a poisonous one, Emily, because Mr. Pedantic coming back, spiders are venomous, so-

[Emily]
All right, let’s get this show on the road. Who’s going to go first?

[Thomas]
It’s your show, man. You dragged us out here. You should go first.

[Emily]
You’re right. I am going to go first. All right, let the gourd times roll.

[Thomas]
Emily, I love you.

[Emily]
Yeah, I thought you would appreciate it. I practiced really hard.

[Shep]
He speaks for one of us.

[Emily]
All right, so my story, we’re just going to start. Okay? So there’s this small town.

[Thomas]
Yeah, please.

[Emily]
There’s this small town between Hartford and New Haven, Connecticut, called Middlefield. Not much of a town. It’s pretty far from the nearest interstate and major highways. Picture a typical little New England town, you know, like Stars Hollow in the Gilmore Girls type of thing.

Every fall, Middlefield holds a huge harvest festival, attracting people from other nearby towns and a fair number of tourists. At this harvest festival, they hold a beauty pageant of sorts, where they crown the Pumpkin Queen. Competition isn’t about crowning the most beautiful girl like you might be thinking. Instead, the prize goes to the best pumpkin of the year. The winner parades her pumpkin around the grounds on the final night of the festival, and she places the pumpkin in the center of the fairgrounds on a throne made from hay bales. I’m sorry, straw bales. And it’s surrounded by dozens of other pumpkins. The tourists see it as a fun way to celebrate the harvest. But the real reason they crown the Pumpkin Queen is a little bit more…

So, in the 1650s, Middlefield didn’t exist, but there was a small confluence of farms that surrounded the area. The farmers worked hard and didn’t have much time for social meetings, but they would gather at a meeting house on Sundays to hear the local minister’s sermons. Typical puritan shit. The only time the locals participated in any kind of revelry was in the fall, when they would gather after the harvest to trade their bounties and allow themselves to celebrate the simple pleasures of lives. I mean, as much as puritans celebrate. One fall, the revelry was cut short and a great shadow fell upon the country folk.

[Shep]
It was the Great Pumpkin.

[Emily]
Abigail Chockwell was widowed just seven months after her marriage to Abe Chockwell. Since she and Abe had not conceived and he had no other family in the region, she was given the one thing women in the 17th century rarely had the privilege to have: property. She inherited a 70-acre farm along the river that flowed through the peaceful county. It is said that the small farm could outproduce a farm twice its size because of the rich soil from the river. What grew best on the land were pumpkins. Abe had cultivated the best pumpkin patch in Connecticut. He traded his crops as far north as Madawaska, Maine, and as far south as Baltimore, Maryland. They were his pride.

Abigail was determined to keep his legacy alive and grow pumpkins as large and sturdy as he had, the rich land she inherited from her husband, to the most successful farm within three counties.

Clearly, this didn’t sit well with everyone. Woman on her own outperforming larger, stronger, more deserving men was not acceptable in this community. Abigail was a threat to many of the men in the area, and some were itching to put her in her place and take her land. She was also the master of remedies found in nature. Women from the farms surrounding her would come and entreat her for help with common ailments.

Abigail’s best friend Rachel, after only being married for two years, hadn’t conceived a child yet. She was sure her husband was going to leave her and abandon her. So Abigail gave her a recipe for pumpkin stew and told her she’d be pregnant before the next moon. And miraculously, Rachel was, and bore her husband a very healthy boy.

So in the fifth year of tending the farm on her own, a man named William Blackburn arrived from Hartford in search of farmlands. He offered a hefty sum to farmers and those who found themselves burdened with some debt sold to him. When he approached Abigail, he offered her half the rate he had offered the men, and knowing the worth of her land, she refused. William was incensed. Why would she, a simple woman, have such bounty? So he devised a plan to get her off her land and out of his way.

As the harvest festival approached, Abigail brought in her crops. The pumpkin crop was particularly robust this year. Abigail was exceptionally proud of herself. She loaded up her cart and headed out to make good trades for her winter stores. She also brought along the trinkets and tonics the ladies in the area were always looking for.

When she neared the meeting house, she noticed other people were averting their eyes or scurrying away from her. And the women folk had their children behind their skirts and were sneering at her. And she began to feel really uneasy and kind of got the sense something was very wrong. The crowd parted and she realized what was happening.

Outside the doors of the building stood the preacher, three elders and William Blackburn. The men of the congregation looked sullen and stern, but William had this arrogant sneer and cold glint in his eyes. The reverend beckoned her forward and the accusations flew. William had claimed that he saw her dancing in her pumpkin patch, naked, sprinkling soot over the soil. He said he heard her chanting in a strange tongue.

Abigail vehemently denied this, but one of the elders, whose wife often traded for Abigail’s salves, spoke up and said his child had recently become afflicted with a painful skin condition. And his wife admitted she had been using one of Abigail’s concoctions to help with the rash. Soon the accusations were shouted and people were in a frenzy, telling the reverend one thing and another and all the bad things Abigail had done. And they revealed in her cart all the concoctions and trinkets and potions she had brought to trade.

The reverend said that they had more than enough evidence to take her to trial. But people started to grow angry and fearful. They were afraid waiting for a trial and conviction would give her time to call the devil himself upon them, to curse their lands. They demanded that this witch be dealt with now and swiftly. William echoed the crowd’s sentiment, as did the three elders. Finally, the reverend gave in and called for a noose. Abigail tried to escape, but was grabbed by two of the strongest farmers and held tightly as the noose was tied.

They drug her to the nearest tree about ten yards from the meeting house door, and they wrapped the noose around her neck and slung the rope over the tree branch. But before they pulled her up, the reverend gave her one last chance to admit her sin so she could die with a clean soul.

She cursed and spat at William, saying, “You’re so high and mighty in convincing everyone that I am a witch when I’ve done nothing but seek a quiet life and care for my brethren. If this is what is to be done, you are solely to blame, William Blackburn. I will set a curse upon you. Your winter stores will spoil. Your animals will die the most painful and horrible deaths. Your fires will burn and not keep you warm. And if you survive the cold and starvation, there will be no crops in the spring. May you burn in hell with the devil himself!”

[Shep]
“And your balls will always itch just a little…”

[Emily]
“And your shoes will be too tight and your hat will be too loose.”

The crowds gasped, and shouted in fear, and the two men who were holding her let her go and she was hanged. The reverend assured the people that she had no power over them anymore. As long as they were faithful to God, they had nothing to fear.

Everyone dispersed and went solemnly to trade their wares and return to their farms. Abigail’s pumpkins were smashed and left to rot in the field by her hanging body.

As the season changed and the weather grew colder, people seemed to forget the whole event. William Blackburn decided to make Abigail’s farm his home. He and the other farmers went on with their winter work. After the first snowfall, William went out to tend his animals and found his horse lying on the hay, gasping for breath.

[Shep]
Was it lying on hay or on straw?

[Emily]
Dirt. It was lying on dirt because he was a bastard and a poor farmer. He watched as the beast struggled to breathe. He tried to get it back on its legs, thinking it was being crushed by its own weight, but the horse would not be moved. It was as if something was sitting on top of it, holding it down. He could do nothing but get his rifle and put the poor animal out of its misery. Managing without a horse would be difficult, but in the spring, he could go to the auction and buy a new one. He’d just have to hunker down for winter. Luckily, Abigail had managed to build a large store of goods. One morning, he went to the root cellar to replenish his shelves, only to find that everything had spoiled. The dirt was wet and muddy, water had made its way somehow into the cellar and everything was moldy and inedible. Kind of started to think maybe Abigail’s vengeful spirit might be at play.

[Shep]
So she was a witch.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So the town was right.

[Emily]
Especially when he couldn’t keep the draught out of his house and he couldn’t build a fire big enough to keep him warm.

[Thomas]
And his balls always itched, and his hat kept falling off.

[Emily]
He managed to survive the winter on chickweed, cattails and pumpkin seeds that he had found in the barn. As spring came, Blackburn planted his crops. He made sure to re-sow what was left of the pumpkin seeds, knowing that that was the crop this farm was most known for and it would grow the best. But as the growing season marched on, the crops began to fail.

First, the carrots and cabbage were eaten by deer. Then the corn was destroyed by bugs. But the pumpkins, they seemed to be faring okay. At the end of the summer, they had grown in abundance. He was sure he’d be able to trade for enough food to get him through the next winter and he would be stronger so his crops would be better next spring.

But to ensure his success at the festival, he had a neighbor’s wife make breads and treats from a few of the pumpkins. He was going to trade those and get even more. He loaded his cart and headed to the harvest festival.

His pumpkins were the prized crop. Everyone was marveling at how large and lovely they were this year. They congratulated him on the good job and he was able to trade for everything he would need to make it through the cold months and then some. Rachel, Abigail’s best friend, came through and looked through the pumpkins that he had brought. And she picked the prettiest one. She slowly walked it over to the tree where Abigail had been hung the year before. She set pumpkin down, said a little prayer for her dear, sweet friend and sat there contemplating how life had been without her, when she heard a commotion coming from the meeting house.

She went to see what was happening and she found people doubled over in pain. She heard the horrid screams of a man in pain. She rushed to the meeting house doors to find William Blackburn with blood pouring out of his eyes, ears, and his nose. And he was clutching his sides of his head as if he were keeping it from bursting. Rachel looked for an explanation. And on the ground she saw all the pumpkins had rotted and withered and all the treats and breads made from them were black and moldy and just disgusting. Then she heard the sound of something being squashed behind her. She turned to see William Blackburn’s head had split and was falling apart around his shoulders.

[Thomas]
Well, his hat’s definitely not going to fit now.

[Emily]
It’s not gonna fit now. A few weeks after William’s death, the other afflicted people recovered. No one wanted to speak about the incident. Abigail’s farm was left abandoned and everyone hoped the land would be reclaimed by the forest in time. That summer, Rachel found herself wandering the plot of the land and saw the pumpkin vines had begun to sprout. She was sure it was a sign from Abigail that her spirit was at peace now.

Later in the fall, she returned to the field and picked the prettiest pumpkin. She brought it to the harvest festival and placed it once again beneath the tree where Abigail hung.

And that is how the tradition of the Pumpkin Queen began in Middlefield, Connecticut.

[Shep]
Was she still hanging there?

[Emily]
Yes. The entire time. They just left her body to rot.

[Thomas]
Everyone’s too afraid to touch it.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
They’d be cursed.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
Because she was a witch.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
She was clearly witchy.

[Emily]
You guys want to hear another joke?

[Shep]
Oh, golly.

[Thomas]
Sure.

[Emily]
All right, I got a good one for you.

[Shep]
Do you do you have a good one, or do you have a gourd one?

[Thomas]
He’s getting in the spirit.

[Shep]
No.

[Thomas]
Emily.

[Emily]
He is!

[Shep]
Oh, no.

[Emily]
What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach?

[Shep]
A pumpkin that works at the beach.

[Emily]
A life gourd.

[Shep]
Ah.

[Thomas]
I like that. It’s a good one. Emily, can you pass me one of the pumpkin spices? It’s cold. I want something to drink, something warm.

[Emily]
Okay. Here you go.

[Thomas]
Thank you.

[Emily]
They’re still nice and hot.

[Shep]
Thomas, can you give me some of that marshmallows?

[Thomas]
Yeah, absolutely.

[Emily]
Is that all you’re going to eat? I have apples.

[Shep]
I’m not anti-pumpkin. I just don’t like pumpkins and wish they’d all die. And if that makes me anti-pumpkin, whatever.

[Emily]
Hey, keep it down.

[Shep]
Sorry. What am I sorry for? Are we going to wake up the pumpkins?

[Thomas]
Yeah. Well, yeah.

[Emily]
No. Sound carries at night. The light rays aren’t there to disperse the sound waves. And-

[Thomas]
That’s what I learned in 8th grade science too. So, what?

[Shep]
How did you become so wise in the ways of science?

[Emily]
I have an English degree. Leave me alone. Yeah, it’s the light particles. They interfere with the sound waves, and then at night, there’s no light particles, so the sound waves go faster and further.

[Shep]
See, here’s the worst part. She’s right. And-

[Thomas]
Ha.

[Shep]
When the sun is out, the air is warmer and it loses density.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
She’s not wrong. That’s the worst part. She sounds like a crazy person.

[Emily]
I know things.

[Shep]
You want to know why I don’t like pumpkins? I have a pumpkin story for you.

[Emily]
Okay, yeah, we will get to you. Thomas, why don’t you start your story?

[Thomas]
All right. This chex mix is really good, by the way.

[Emily]
The best. I love it. Every fall, call it crack. It’s delicious.

[Thomas]
I will say these pecans are much better than I-

[Emily]
Yeah. Pumpkin spice pecans.

[Shep]
Pe-cahn or pee-can?

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Let’s solve it right now.

[Emily]
Well, I’ve lived in the Northwest too long, so now they’re pecahns.

[Shep]
Aren’t they pecahns in the south?

[Emily]
Now they’re pee-cans in the south.

[Shep]
I’ve heard it both ways.

[Thomas]
Hey, Emily, these nuts are good.

[Emily]
Yeah. I dipped them in some spice.

[Thomas]
Thomas likes his nuts dipped in spice.

[Shep]
It fights the itching.

[Thomas]
And weirdly, my hats all fit really well now, so. Well, I do have a pumpkin story, but before I tell it, let’s take a quick break.

[Break]

[Thomas]
All right, here’s my story. They never did figure out where the pumpkins came from. It was the mid 1800s, and a group of settlers was trying to establish a small town in New Mexico in an area called Las Calabazas in the newly formed San Miguel County.

As pioneers made their way across the Great Plains headed toward the Rockies and beyond, they would pass through various towns and cities in San Miguel. The nearby camp at Newtown had seen a sharp increase in traffic since its founding. And with the Pecos River so nearby, Las Calabazas seemed like the perfect place to establish a new settlement. The long trip the settlers had made across the country had been grueling. But instead of hunkering down for the winter, the group opted to continue so they could reach Las Calabazas in time for an early spring to make the most of the growing season.

[Emily]
And to bury the half that died of dysentery along the way.

[Thomas]
Right. Hey, Terry’s really sensitive. You diss him. And-

[Emily]
That’s right.

[Thomas]
Upon arriving, they chose a site just above the river to make camp and act as the foundation for their fledgling town. It was a small area, but there were larger plains a little higher up the hill that would facilitate expansion as the town grew.

As soon as possible, the rocky soil was prepared for planting and seeds were sown. With the closest trading post a two-day ride away, the settlers knew they had to rely on themselves and each other for as much as possible, so establishing a regular food source was of paramount importance. A variety of foods were planted and each family had a large vegetable garden, sometimes in addition to larger fields.

With most of the crops planted, the community spent the summer focused on building up their town as quickly as possible. Most families lived in homes that were little more than improved canvas tents, but together they were able to quickly build a row of rough wooden houses. Most were basic in their construction, consisting of a single large room with a sleeping loft. The only stone structure they erected was the church. Although it too was relatively small and had a wooden roof.

Speed was the primary concern, as the group hoped to attract migrant pioneers as soon as possible. Everything could be expanded or rebuilt entirely as long as money and supplies were flowing into town.

Eventually, the first autumn was upon them, and that meant it was time for the fall harvest. As late September rolled over into October, families were hard at work harvesting their crops and preparing for the first winter in Las Calabazas. It had been a nonstop year and a half of travel followed by hard work, so everyone was looking forward to taking some time off during what they hoped would be a mild winter.

One morning, the community woke up to discover that someone had placed a pumpkin in front of everyone’s front door. No one would admit to gifting the gourds, but everyone agreed it was a fun and welcome diversion.

[Emily]
It was the pumpkin bunny.

[Thomas]
Yes, the well-known pumpkin. It’s probably pumpkin jackrabbit in that area.

[Emily]
Yeah. Oh, yeah, that would make sense.

[Shep]
Jackalope, jackalope.

[Thomas]
Jackalope. Yeah. There you go.

[Emily]
The pumpkin jackalope.

[Thomas]
Makes sense. I expect to see that in all the stores next year. This should be a new tradition that we do for Halloween. The pumpkin jackalope.

Most people took the day off, and Pumpkin Day, as it came to be called over the next several hours, was shaping up to be the town’s first official local holiday. The women swapped recipes and ideas for what to do with their respective pumpkins, and the men wiled away the time, drinking and speculating who was behind the stunt.

The next day, several pumpkins were in front of each door. Instead of just one per household, this time there was one pumpkin for each member of each household. Everyone was even more surprised than they had been the day before, and they all agreed that whoever left the pumpkins was a true Christian, clearly motivated by their love for the community. The benefactor still refused to step forward. So that night, the town gathered in the church, where they collectively expressed their gratitude for this display of generosity and thanked God for their good fortune.

On the third day, there were even more pumpkins. This time each house was completely encircled around its perimeter by an unbroken ring of pumpkins. A count was done of all the new gourds, and it came out to well over a hundred. A few of the men decided to play detective and visited each family’s garden to determine once and for all who was doing this. Only one family had planted pumpkins, but they only had a couple of vines, nowhere near enough to account for all the pumpkins distributed so far. Plus, none of their pumpkins had been harvested yet. They were all still there in the garden.

The next suspect was the owner of the mercantile. Not only was he known to be the wealthiest man in town, meaning it was possible he could have afforded to buy that many pumpkins, but he periodically received shipments from out of town, so they could have been grown somewhere else and brought in. He denied taking part, however, and demonstrated that buying and shipping that many pumpkins would be a breathtakingly costly endeavor. He may have more money than most people in town, but the men agreed when he pointed out that spending that amount of money would be foolhardy. After all, he came here to turn a profit just like everyone else. Why would he spend it all on an act of frivolity?

While most people conceded that his argument made sense, a small group refused to believe him. They decided to catch him in the act, so they stayed up all night secreted away in various areas around town. What they saw that night left them confused and shaken.

Piles of pumpkins simply appeared without anyone being around. None of them actually saw the pumpkins appear. They just looked away for a moment, and when they looked back, there were a shocking amount of pumpkins that hadn’t been there seconds ago.

By the morning, there were more pumpkins around town than anyone could count. Whereas the day before had yielded over a hundred, this was more like a couple thousand. They were everywhere around town, and some buildings were completely surrounded to the point where opening the front door caused a minor avalanche of pumpkins into the home. Pumpkins filled the street and people had a hard time moving around town because there were pumpkins everywhere.

What the men had witnessed the night before didn’t matter to the townsfolk, who became openly hostile toward the merchant, despite his continued insistence that he had nothing to do with it, and even after he pointed out that he too was being inconvenienced by all of this. Once the first pumpkin was thrown at the mercantile, a torrent of orange quickly followed, smashing the windows and spilling the stringy insides across crates of unsold goods. The merchant quickly packed his personal belongings and rode out of town, lest he catch a gourd to the head.

The rest of the day was spent moving pumpkins. They knew it would take more than one day to get rid of them all. The streets were too choked to use carts, so they cleared them first, dumping the gourds just outside of town. Everyone agreed that they expected the prank would be over now that the merchant was gone. They also agreed that they were getting tired of eating pumpkin with every meal.

The fifth day found the town awash in a sea of pumpkins a few feet deep. Opening your front door just let the pumpkins tumble inside and meant you couldn’t close the door again without pulling even more of them inside to get them out of the way. All things considered, climbing in and out of the windows was easier.

As the townsfolk slowly managed to escape from their homes, they discovered that the street that ran through the town was orange along its entire length. Further inspections revealed that all unharvested crops were now buried under the pumpkins and likely destroyed by them as well. Any smaller animals that hadn’t been inside overnight were found to be crushed to death. And while larger animals such as the horses and cattle were still alive, they were struggling to move around and they weren’t happy about it.

The townsfolk begrudgingly spent yet another day clearing pumpkins from the street and around their homes. Unfortunately, most of the clearing had to be done by hand, because it was impossible to move a cart along the squash-choked street. Even the children had to help out this time. That night, the settlers gathered in the church and once again prayed to God, this time to stop the pumpkins from appearing.

When they awoke the next morning, each member of the nascent town held their breath or said a little prayer before looking outside. To their collective relief, no new pumpkins had appeared overnight. The joy was short lived, however, as the cleanup had to continue.

By this point, everyone was exhausted and sore and there were still so many pumpkins. The street was mostly cleared and multiple carts were employed to haul the pumpkins out of town.

The 7th day once again offered a reprieve from the gourds multiplying, but unfortunately brought with it a new unforeseen issue: vermin. Rats, crows, and insects were devouring the pumpkins, many of which were still piled high against people’s homes. Over the course of the past few days, many pumpkins had been crushed or broken open, and now they began to rot in the sun.

A couple of the families with smaller children felt it was prudent to leave town, at least temporarily. They packed their belongings and said their goodbyes, apologizing that they couldn’t stay to help. They declined to take any pumpkins with them.

Despite the doleful mood that hung over the remaining townsfolk, they continued to work hard for the rest of that day and all through the next. Finally, a full week after the appearance of the first pumpkins, every last accursed gourd had been removed.

The mountain of pumpkins outside the town was enormous. It was crawling with rats, crows, maggots, and other insects. It reeked to high heaven. But the town of Las Calabazas was finally completely pumpkin-free.

They never did figure out where the pumpkins came from, partly because they never got the chance. A few hours before sunrise on the 9th day, a deluge of pumpkins crashed into the town.

It toppled entire buildings, sending splintering wood flying in every direction. Many of the townsfolk were killed in their sleep, crushed to death under the weight of millions of pumpkins. The few who survived grabbed what little they could and fled. The hills, the river, the whole area, was orange, and now it was quiet too.

It was a mild winter, just as the townsfolk had hoped it would be. The warm daytime temperatures meant the pumpkins rotted away over just a couple of months’ time. Eventually, the wood from the homes also rotted away, exposed to the sun and the harsh New Mexican climate. The town at Las Calabazas was forgotten. And to this day, the area is just an empty prairie. Only the stone walls of the small church remain to hint that anyone ever lived there.

[Emily]
All right. Got another joke for you.

[Thomas]
Excellent.

[Shep]
Oh, good.

[Emily]
What is black, white, orange, and waddles?

[Shep]
What is black, white, orange and waddles?

[Thomas]
A penguin?

[Emily]
Yeah. A penguin with a pumpkin.

[Thomas]
Oh, okay. Some penguins have orange on them. So. Just a penguin, nothing to do with pumpkins.

[Emily]
Just a general penguin. No.

[Thomas]
Yeah. General penguin. (salutes)

[Shep]
Ha.

[Emily]
Do you need another blanket Shep?

[Shep]
No, I don’t.

[Emily]
You look like you’re shivering.

[Shep]
It’s the pumpkins. I’m allergic. I never brought it up.

[Emily]
No one is allergic to pumpkins. That’s ridiculous.

[Shep]
You’re ridiculous.

[Thomas]
That’s what I thought about bananas, but apparently a whole bunch of people are allergic to bananas?

[Shep]
What?

[Emily]
What?

[Shep]
That is… crazy.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
That’s insanity.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I agree. I feel very badly for those people because, yum. Bananas are so good.

[Emily]
OOH, pumpkin spice banana would be delicious.

[Shep]
Oh, golly. Okay. Do you want to hear my pumpkin story?

[Thomas]
Yes, please.

[Emily]
Very much. “Oh, my gourd. I can’t wait.”

[Shep]
You promised that it was the last one.

[Emily]
No, no. I said last joke, not pun.

[Shep]
Ah.

[Thomas]
Shep, the problem is you didn’t squash these right at the beginning.

[Shep]
Are you starting a fire?

[Thomas]
I’m roasting the marshmallow with the lighter.

[Shep]
Are you insane?

[Emily]
No, stop. Both of you. Both of you, no fires, Thomas. We’re surrounded by hay.

[Shep]
It’s straw! It’s straw! How do you keep getting it wrong?

[Emily]
(whispering) Shep! Inside voice!

[Thomas]
We’re outside.

[Shep]
We’re outside.

[Emily]
I told you, sound travels at night. We’re going to disturb somebody. They’re going to come out and see what’s going on. Let’s just, Shep let’s just, tell your story now.

[Shep]
All right. When I was in high school, the school building was next to an empty field where we’d sometimes do outdoor school festival stuff. Like in fall, we’d make a-

[Emily]
Hang witches.

[Shep]
Hang witches, yes. When you were talking about the fall festival stuff. I was like, “Oh, hey, this reminds me of when I was in school.” So in fall, we’d make a scarecrow and then we’d have a competition where the students would carve jack-o’-lantern heads and the winner would be soaked in bleach so that it lasted longer. The winning jack-o’-lantern, not the winning team.

[Emily]
Not the winning child?

[Shep]
Right. Would be soaked in bleach-

[Emily]
Just soak them in bleach, preserved for all eternity.

[Shep]
So that it would last longer and then put on the scarecrow. When you were talking about the prettiest pumpkin, this was what I was thinking about. But in my case, this tradition came to an end during my time there.

[Emily]
What did you do?

[Shep]
Let me explain. I have to tell you about one of the other students. There was this girl in my class. Her name was Jenny. There were actually like five Jennifers and Jen’s, but only one Jenny. And I was in love with her. She had a great tinkling laugh and she always had a book in her hands, often reading just outside the classroom during recess instead of going to play. She was definitely my kind of girl.

Now, I was bullied a lot in school. Unsurprising, considering how poor and socially awkward I was. Like one time, someone who I thought was a friend gave me a little snack bag of chips they had brought for lunch. And I didn’t get to have chips very often, being unbelievably poor, so great! But as I’m eating them, I was like, “These seem wet.” And when I said that, the whole lunch table laughed. But I didn’t know why and I ate them anyway. And it turned out he had spit in the bag before giving them to me as a joke. And I guess I was the punchline.

[Thomas]
Kids are the worst.

[Shep]
Yeah, kids are the worst. And of course, it wasn’t enough just to have done that. But he told me about it after because I wasn’t allowed to live in ignorance.

So anyway, another time, another so-called friend told me “Hey, go tell Jenny she’s a volcano.” And I was like, “What does that mean?” And he went, “She’s hot stuff.” Because, of course he knew that I liked her because everyone knew. But the way he said it made me suspicious.

It was like when my other friend had given me that bag of chips and said, “Here, enjoy.” Like everyone was in on a secret joke that I didn’t know about. That was how most of my childhood was. But I went to Jenny anyway and said, “Hey, Jenny, you’re a volcano.”

And she just did her little smile, like a parent humoring a child, like she always did. And she said, “I see.”

So I got closer and I asked in a quiet voice because I knew she’d tell me, “What does that mean?”

And in her patient voice said, “Because of all my acne.” Like it was obvious to everyone but me. That’s how Jenny was with bullying. She never seemed to react to it.

I used to go to Jenny’s house after school on Wednesdays. Not to play, because that is for children. No, to study. We were both in the advanced math and advanced English courses because we were nerds. So we’d go to her house, since it was in town, near the school, and studied together at the kitchen table with her mom nearby. Is this why I liked studying so much? Because in my formative years I would go study with a girl I had a crush on?

[Emily]
Does studying turn you on?

[Shep]
It does. It still does to this day.

[Emily]
Yeah, this is probably why.

[Shep]
Oh, my. Anyway. Jenny’s home was very different from mine. I mean, running water and electricity? What, are we living in the future?

And the house was immaculate. I was still living on the farm, so in my experience, mud just crept in everywhere. But not in Jenny’s house. I told her once how much I liked how clean it was there, but she told me she’d rather be in the woods, which was just an insane opinion. The grass is always greener, I guess.

And her mom was an angel. Actually, pretty much identical to Jenny. Same tinkling laugh, same patience, same knowing small smile. She’d make us small snacks, like cutting up fruit or bring us water and then go back to cleaning or preparing dinner, always nearby. I think, I thought at the time that she was staying nearby in case we needed anything. Not, like, to keep an eye on us. But she was great.

Jenny’s dad, though, ugh. I didn’t see him often, but whenever I did, he scared the shit out of me. He had like a menacing vibe, even though he didn’t talk much. But that was only when he was sober. Sometimes he’d come home drunk and those days sucked. That’s when he went from a menacing vibe to outright physically abusive.

One time he came into the kitchen and Jenny’s mom had made a drink for the dad and they were arguing about something, some mess or something he had found, something like that. And Jenny and I were trying to help each other study without actually making any sounds, so we didn’t set him off. And the arguing turned into yelling. And then he knocked his drink back, downed it all, and just threw the glass into the cabinets, shattering glass everywhere, out of nowhere.

[Emily]
Jeez.

[Shep]
And then he took his belt off and he started whipping the mom.

[Thomas]
Jesus.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Oh, my God.

[Shep]
Yes. So I took off.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And then I didn’t go over to study with Jenny anymore because I am a coward. And so now I knew why she didn’t respond to much to the bullying at school. A verbal jab from a kid just wasn’t going to compare to what she had to deal with at home. Anyway, the pumpkin carving. So we did it during school hours, I think for home-ec class or possibly shop class or gym. I don’t know, whatever it was.

[Thomas]
Ha.

[Shep]
There were only like half a dozen or so pumpkins. So we all got into groups to brainstorm designs and then do the actual carving. With knives! It was a different time back then.

Anyway, I was in a group with my supposed friends. Jenny was in a group with some girls and their pumpkin was very bumpy. And one of the girls started joking that their jack-o’-lantern was gonna be Jenny’s boyfriend. Because look at the bumps! These two were made for each other.

[Thomas]
Fuckin’ kids.

[Shep]
Fuckin’ kids!

[Emily]
How mean.

[Shep]
So mean. They always come up with the meanest thing. Part of the contest was coming up with names for our jack-o’-lanterns. And I don’t think Jenny’s group ever came up with a name. They insisted that theirs just be called “Jenny’s Boyfriend”. And like, the entire class joined in, congratulating Jenny on landing such a fine, handsome man and wondering what their children would look like, etc, etc.

And Jenny, of course, didn’t have much of a response. I caught her eye at one point and I raised an eyebrow like, “Are you okay with this?” And she just did her small smile and tilted her head like, “Can you believe these children?”

They didn’t win though. Some other group made a pumpkin they called something like “Ichabob Marley” and decorated it in a way that would truly get you canceled these days. Not like blackface, but like dreadlocks made of yarn. And I think someone rolled up paper and made, like, a fake joint to put in his mouth, stuff like that.

[Thomas]
A different time indeed.

[Shep]
That was the jack-o’-lantern the teachers picked.

[Thomas]
The teachers picked?

[Shep]
Yes, it was a different time back then.

[Thomas]
Clearly.

[Shep]
When the teachers came to judge the pumpkins, they took one look and said something like, “We have to choose this one.”

Anyway, about a week or so later was the fall dance/food drive, which I didn’t attend because it cost, I think, something like $2 or two cans of food, which were amounts of wealth I could only dream about. Plus, it was in the evening and I didn’t like walking to and from town in the dark. It was a few miles along the railroad tracks, Stand by Me style, and I didn’t want to get flattened by a train I wouldn’t even see coming. So I wasn’t there for what happened next and can only relay what I heard secondhand.

The dance started normal enough. There were snacks on folding tables on the edges of the field and Ichabob now looking menacing on his scarecrow body in the center, surrounded by hay bales with the losing jack-o’-lanterns on display looking like severed heads. Jenny had shown up without a date, but that wasn’t unusual, and everything was fine until later in the evening. There was a group of students that were well, there’s some debate as to whether they were drunk or high on meth.

[Thomas]
Wha?

[Shep]
This was the 80s in California. Meth was everywhere. But this was also a small town, so where would they have gotten it? I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Let’s just call them some rowdy kids.

The rowdy kids thought the dance was boring and wanted some excitement, and they started picking on Jenny. First that she was there dateless. But oh, actually, look. Next to Ichabob, there’s Jenny’s Boyfriend. Though after a week or so outdoors after being carved, he was pretty mushy.

Anyway, the rowdy kids kept trying to get a response out of Jenny, pointing out how sad it was that her boyfriend was falling apart. How tragic. She should give him a kiss before it’s too late. If she doesn’t, she’d regret it for the rest of her life. And again, more and more students joined in, like mob mentality. Although there was some confusion over whether her boyfriend was the mushy pumpkin or Ichabob, because not everyone had been part of the pumpkin carving and they didn’t know the backstory. But why worry about the details when you have a victim to bully?

But Jenny didn’t respond to their words. So someone and I never found out who, picked up Jenny’s Boyfriend and threw it at her just to get some sort of response from her, I guess. And it exploded. And that just set everyone off in a bad way, like Lord of the Flies bad.

[Thomas]
Oh, no.

[Shep]
And the rowdy kids started grabbing the other pumpkins to throw at her. Some even went for Ichabob, but the teachers protected it. After all, it was the winning decoration. Pretty important. So after getting repeatedly smashed by rotting pumpkins and dripping with putrid debris, Jenny left the dance, went home, and apparently choked herself to death with a belt.

[Emily]
Oh, my God.

[Shep]
On Monday, I was informed that my friend, actual friend and girl that I had a crush on, a girl whose home I had regularly visited, was dead. Just like that. She finally responded, I guess.

I didn’t even go to her funeral. Well, I had my mom drive me to the church, but the only other car in the parking lot was Jenny’s mom’s. So I didn’t go in because there was some small, cowardly part of my brain that thought, if someone sees me go in, the people that bullied her would start to bully me. I don’t know if that makes sense.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I think that makes perfect sense. Unfortunately.

[Shep]
Yeah. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Jenny’s mom, who moved back to Montana, where her family lived, shortly after the funeral. The dad stayed in town. I don’t know what went on there. He died of a heart attack the following Halloween, so I can’t ask him now. But that’s not the weird part of the story. Shortly after the funeral, a group of people apparently dug up Jenny’s body.

[Emily]
What?

[Shep]
According to the rumor, there weren’t shovel marks either, like they had dug it up by hand. So probably meth, not alcohol. Though, because of the Satanic Panic of the 80s, there were accompanying occult rumors as well. Sacrificing to Satan, raising the dead, all of that. But my own belief, considering that the Ichabob scarecrow went missing around the same time, I think those rowdy kids were trying to stage some kind of tableau, but nothing ever came out about it. And her body was never found. Though every once in a while, while walking through the woods, out of the corner of my ear, I’d catch a soft, tinkling laugh, and then a much deeper, menacing one.

[Emily]
I’m sorry you lived in the woods as a child. It sounds like it was a horrible experience.

[Shep]
I don’t like the woods.

[Emily]
Well, that’s why I chose a pumpkin patch.

[Shep]
I don’t like pumpkins either.

[Emily]
Hey. Okay. We should probably be keeping it down.

[Shep]
There’s just the three of us. Why are we keeping it down?

[Thomas]
Yeah, who are we going to bother?

[Emily]
Look, we may not have permission to be here.

[Shep]
We don’t have permission?

[Thomas]
What? What?

[Shep]
What is with the two of you?

[Emily]
You gotta, you’re gonna-

[Thomas]
You had one job.

[Emily]
I asked the farmer and he was like, “What the fuck is a podcast? I’m not-“

[Thomas]
So he knows we’re here?

[Emily]
What? No. He doesn’t know we’re here. I said “Okay,” and I moved on.

[Thomas]
But he knows we wanted to be here.

[Emily]
Yeah, well, yeah, he does. That’s why we got to be quiet and-

[Thomas]
I think maybe we should pack our shit up and go then.

[Emily]
Yeah, I think you are correct.

[Thomas]
Guys, I think there’s a truck coming. Oh, okay. Farmers coming.

[Farmer]
Hey. Get away from my goddamn pumpkins.

[Thomas]
Hey, man, it’s cool. We’re-

[Emily]
We’re packing up, we’re leaving. Sorry…

[Farmer]
I told you goddamn kids what would happen next time I saw you out here.

[Shep]
I think he has a gun…

[Thomas]
Whoa. Shit. Hey, let’s-

[Gunshot]

[Emily]
Leave everything. Let’s go-

[Gunshot]

[Shep]
No, no, no, no-

[Gunshot]

[Farmer]
Ah shit. What are these kids doing out here? What is all this shit? What is that, microphones? What is this? How do I turn this-

Additional Voices

The voice of the farmer was provided by Aaron CarrCallen.